At the start of the year, it dawned on me that I have to deal first with some existentialist issues with my blog before I start writing again. The idea might have just occurred to me that time but I’m pretty sure the issue has been bothering me as early as last year, although back then, it didn't have a “label” yet.
And then one day, the problem just manifested itself into these two questions: Why do I blog? And who do I blog for?
It’s funny that when I wrote my first entry, I really didn’t have any idea what to do with this blog. I just know that I wanted to write down my thoughts and have a vehicle by which to contain them.
Then slowly, it became clear to me that this blog is really about documenting a life that my kids and future grandkids will read someday. This is family history in the making. Like letters to the future. So that they will know how their mother/grandmother is like at a particular period in time.
This blog is about my thought balloons, transferred for posterity into this site. It is about what I do, what I wear, what I think. It is introspective and reflective, and if somebody out there reads it and appreciates it, then good. But really, I started this blog without really caring much whether somebody’s reading this or not.
Most of the time, I blogged like no one’s reading and I think those times were also the times when I enjoyed writing and actually enjoyed reading back old posts.
Then something happened. Somehow, somewhere, my voice changed. I started writing for an audience. My style became too self-conscious. There were times when I was actually trying to “talk to readers”. It’s not that I do not appreciate followers and the comments. I actually do. Truth is, it thrills me to the extent that I became a blog statoholic. But I tried, much too hard, I think, to become a professional blogger. And that’s probably when I started to dislike my blog.
Now that I had that sorted out (it took quite a while but I’m glad I finally did because I missed writing), I am ready to blog again. Alone with my thoughts, I shall not be conscious if someone will like this or not or whether this will help get more followers or not. Then I'd probably be writing normally, authentically-- good enough to make me enjoy reading my old posts again.
Good to be back.